True Love

Rocco, talking about my resume: You've got great experience! I would totally hire you. After I did other stuff.
Me: Oh yeah, I'd totally sexually harass you during our interview.

Movie Observations

We are watching an intense scene in Melancholia.

SPOILER ALERT

Charlotte Gainsbourg is getting into the Volvo with her child, trying to outrun the end of the world.

Rocco, referring to the Volvo: It's safe... but not that safe! 

Wedding Jokes

Rocco: You know what they say... your gift is your presence. Get it? I just made that up!

High Observations

Rocco, appreciating our refrigerator: I gotta tell ya, man... magnets are the way to go.

Rocco is Still Bad With Faces

Rocco: Is that Chris D'elia [actor from Whitney]?
Me: No.
Rocco: Is that Chris D'elia's brother?
Me: No.

Later...

Rocco: Wasn't Joel McHale also the brother on Weeds?
Me: No.

Rocco is Bad With Faces

Rocco: I saw the guy who plays Nick on New Girl!
Me: Really?
Rocco: Yeah, I have video proof this time, so you can't argue me.
He shows me a shaky video of someone who is not actor Jake Johnson.
Rocco: I was trying to be stealth about it, but I think I creeped him out.
Me: That's not him.
Rocco: Yes it is! I was there, you don't know.
Me: I can tell just from the side of his face, that's not him. You creeped out a total stranger.
Rocco: That was him.

Rocco: Look baby, it's Bruno Mars!
Me: I didn't see him, but I'm sure it was not Bruno Mars.

Rocco, sarcastically, pointing to a commercial: There's our future mayor.
Me: That's not Kim Kardashian, honey.
Rocco: What? Who is that?
Me: Eva Longoria.
He believes me this time.
Rocco: Well... they look alike in this commercial, right?
Me: ...yes.

Rocco, watching a Lacey Chabert ad for Elevator Girl: Is that Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Rocco Watches The Client List

Rocco stumbles upon The Client List and become transfixed by the awful acting and even more awful storylines. Upon realizing that he is not aware of the premise of the show, I convince him to keep watching...


Rocco: So she's a happy ending masseuse?
Me: Yup.
Rocco: Do her coworkers know she's doing that?
Me: Yeah, they all do it.
Rocco: She works at a rub and tug?!

Rocco: So he has an affair with this lady, and has a kid with her...but he still has to have her phone number written down on a piece of paper in his hoodie?

Rocco: Cybil Sheperd does Lifetime movies now?

Rocco: So she just happens to have a client who also had his love disappear? Come on. That's retarded.

Rocco: Oh! And she looked up [the client's missing ex] for him! (snorts)

(more incredulous snorting noises)

Rocco, to the "madam" of the massage parlor, who is telling Jennifer Love Hewitt to confront her husband's mistress: What the fuck are you talking about? You think you can just come up to someone and she'll be like 'oh you're his wife? Yeah I'm fucking your husband! Want some crackers?'

Rocco, again, to the madam: Knowledge is power? You work at a rub and tug! Shoot for them stars! It's good to have goals.

Rocco: I swear in every scene she looks like she's constipated and needs to take a shit real bad. Look at her face. (pauses it on J.Love's close up) Look, baby. (as J.Love) 'There's a gas bubble coming out of my butt!'

Dreamy McDreamerson

I am attempting to gently wake Rocco up from his nap.

Me: What did you dream about?

Rocco: Soccer. It was my birthday.

Me: How old were you?

Rocco: Standing up.

Me: That's not an answer for how old you are.

Rocco: Standing up thirty.

Dreamy Man

The following is why I have trouble leaving for work in the morning. Some adorable sleepy banter from my bed-mate.

Rocco: Molds.

Me: Molds?

Rocco: Of trees. You know - tree molds.

* * * * * *

Rocco: There's a suitcase floating in the hot tub with a sock in it. There's no foot in it, so it's okay.

* * * * * *

Rocco: You see the bunny? There are three of them!

That Other Thing He Likes To Do

Rocco farts.

Rocco: That singer's an asshole!

Rocco's Latest Epic Dream-Talk

Sleeping Rocco likes to talk out loud...

One Night

Rocco: Wee wee didn't show up.

Me: Who's wee wee?
Rocco: The extra camera angle. Which is okay, I just wish we didn't have to pay him.

Another Night

Me: Can I squeeze your blackhead?
Rocco: Uh uh.
Me: Can I give you a kiss?
Rocco: You can press on it.
Me: Huh?
Rocco: If you press on the name it shows the password.
Me: ...
Rocco: Do it.
[I press his nose.]

Some Other Night

Rocco: The G is bigger...oh never mind, it's 'cause it's my name.
Rocco, later: It's smooth. Panda. Scroll bar.

That Other Night
Rocco, half-asleep, explaining his dream to me: They have these trips. One of the spacecrafts is for vagabonds like college students with no money and stuff. The other is normal.

Me: Which one did you go on ?

Rocco: I went on both.

Rocco, later, after mentioning Linda Perry, a white building, and Diane Warren: The building's gone. I was moving liquids and stuff in the car and there were bumps. Now we don't have to worry about it anymore because I woke up.

Rocco, even later: Madrid Yorkshire terrier. I dunno if that's a real dog but that's what they have on the spaceship. It's yellow.

Cross-Species Issues

Rocco and I are walking through the 99c store...

Rocco, sarcastically, picking up what he thinks are panties: Baby, this is really sexy.

Me: That's for dogs.

Confused by the Internets

We are looking at an entry on the Someecards Twitter page. It is a photo of a graffitied sign that reads "Crack Selling Has Begun in this Area."

Rocco: What did it say before that?

Me: Crack sealing has begun in this area.

Rocco, confused: That's not the ceiling...that's the ground.

Rocco In The Sky Fixing Stuff

A high Rocco sits on the couch inspecting a part of the shower head that he is about to install. A few minutes go by with deep and probably unnecessary introspection.

Me: What ya doin?

Rocco: I was just inspectigating it.

(Inspectigating = inspecting + investigating)